Holidays and Heartache: Navigating Grief During the Holiday Season
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When I was a little girl, I used to go downstairs in my PJs and socks on Christmas morning. Dad would be the only other person awake, because my siblings were a good deal older than me and no longer cared to rise early to see what Santa had brought.
There would be the wonderful smells of the sour cream coffee cake Mom had baked late the night before (hence, the reason she was still sleeping). He would be playing Christmas music - classical, of course - on the towering stereo systems people had back then.
Dad would turn to me with a look in his eyes like I hung the moon and say, “Merry Christmas, Maggie!” in his booming voice.
Dad died in 2018, less than four months after we lost Mom. They hadn’t lived in the house I grew up in for five years before that, and, even so, it had been years since I had walked down the steps of that house in my PJs and socks.
Why then, does my heart ache each Christmas, longing for those mornings from long ago?
Dr. Alan Wolfelt, in his article, Helping Yourself Heal During the Holiday Season, tells us that the “holidays may result in a renewed sense of personal grief, a feeling of loss unlike that experienced in the routine of daily living. Society encourages you to join in the holiday spirit, but all around you the sounds, sights, and smells trigger memories of the one you love who has died.”
There is no time limit on this, you see. Even though it has been decades since I walked down the steps of the house I grew up in on Christmas morning, there are times each Christmas when it could have been last year. And so, I hurt.
As a therapist working with adults in their 30s and up, I see a lot of folks with aching hearts this time of year. A novel I read this year had a great line: “at a certain age, life takes more from you than it gives”. Many of my clients have experienced several significant losses, and the holidays can serve as a cruel reminder of people deeply missed.
So, what to do in this situation? Well, as Mom used to say, we do the best we can.
There is no potion or magic wand to make the holiday season feel like those Hallmark movies. Dr. Wolfelt suggests these strategies to help ease the pain that the holidays can bring:
Talk About Your Grief:
Many of my clients tell me they don’t want to be a “downer” during the most wonderful time of the year. I encourage them to be truthful with the person or persons they trust most.
Sometimes, it helps me to just describe the Christmas mornings of my childhood, to bring my Dad into the room. Not in a “bring everyone down” way, but as a way of sharing a precious piece of my heart with people I love and still have with me.
Be Tolerant of Your Physical and Psychological Limits:
While some have little to do during this time of year, and this brings its own grief, many others are trying to work and decorate and purchase and participate, all the while trying to ignore an aching heart. Be mindful of getting enough rest and know when you need some quiet time to restore.
Be With Supportive, Comforting People:
Be with the person or persons who, when you are with them, your shoulders don’t feel tense. If you don’t have such a person, think about volunteering (volunteermatch.org); I can almost guarantee you will meet someone who becomes a friend. If nothing else, it will distract you from feelings of loneliness and grief.
Do What is Right for You During the Holidays:
I have clients who feel a need to be at a gathering, any gathering, for the special days in November and December. I also have clients who find gatherings jarring, and just want to be quiet and watch a favorite movie.
There is no “right way” to get through a difficult holiday season. Figure out what feels best for you, give yourself the right to change your mind, and know that even really lonely, sad days come to an end.
I will admit that I feel like a bit of a fraud as a therapist this holiday season, as I am limping myself. I lost a favorite, long time client unexpectedly last month, to whom this blog is anonymously but lovingly dedicated.
That same week, the relationship with the person I had lived with and loved for four years ended. Thus, I am not coming into this holiday season as my whole self - far from it!
But maybe that’s ok. I can offer my clients presence, commiseration, and the sense that we are wired to bear hard things and move through them.
The most important thing I can offer is hope. Because I know that even though there are difficult, even seemingly impossible seasons in life, the sun always comes out again if we allow ourselves to see it.
I wish everyone reading this some glimmers of joy, however big or small, in 2025!